Now

Today is the 5th day of my FSH injections. I am scheduled for the egg retrieval on Tuesday or Wednesday of next week. I have an ultrasound and blood work tomorrow to see where I am. I'm really hoping my body is cooperating and I can stay on schedule. Then, the embryo transfer is 3-5 days after the retrieval. The retrieval process requires sedation but the transfer does not and I'm told it feels like a pap smear. Eww. I have always hated that term. It just sounds so gross. Yes, I am twelve. 

Then, it's 48 hours of bed rest. I am going to have a little bell and I'll ring it every five minutes and ask for random things like crayons, fried oysters and monkey picked oolong tea. My husband is going to love me.

I have pretty much put the rest of my responsibilities on hold as this is sort of a job in and of itself. The time commitment as far as appointments isn't as bad as I thought it would be, maybe because I've gotten used to driving to the clinic so many times since last June. It's just the way the drugs make me feel that make me grateful to have planned ahead and cleared my schedule. Well, for the most part. After all, life does go on.

Last Wednesday and the Drugs

Hey, that sounds like a cool name for a band! Dude, I'm gonna see Last Wednesday and the Drugs at the Roxy on Saturday, wanna come? 

But I digress. Must be the drugs.

I was put on Lupron three weeks ago, after learning that my body was not cooperating with The Pill, as in I was still producing too much estrogen. I joked to the doctor and ultrasound tech that I must be too much woman, which earned me a couple of polite giggles. I tried. So I had my first needle pricking experience back then. 

Yes, it IS scary, but I found that it is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, even though sticking a needle in your stomach seems so counterintuitive to...well...everything. But somehow, you do get your brain to transmit the message to your hand to PUT A NEEDLE IN YOUR STOMACH even when the rest of you is screaming, "Holy Sh*t!!" The first time is the worst and then you become a pro, so much that some people put it on YouTube. Or they blog about it. Weirdos. ;)

So last Wednesday, I went to the clinic for another ultrasound and more blood work to see if the Lupron was doing it's job. I was crossing my fingers because if it wasn't, it would mean another week or so of more Lupron and waiting.  

I have found that it is so hard to put my life on hold.  I feel like I did it already with the IUI's. But then again, the whole process of trying to get pregnant and not succeeding feels like that, doesn't it? Like I'm always holding my breath, just waiting to exhale. As if going forward with your life means leaving this behind. But we must function in our life, we must continue to work, to carry on relationships, to empty the cat box and walk the dog, to put gas in the car and buy groceries. But I never really feel like I'm truly living in the moment and am instead waiting...for the next pregnancy test, ultrasound, procedure, round of drugs, call from the doctor. You name it and I'm probably waiting for it. This is where some of that well-meaning advice comes in. "If you put all your energy into this, it won't happen. A watched pot never boils!" Or "I just didn't think about it and it happened!" As if they were doing something right and I am doing it all wrong. As if.

It turns out I could start with the IVF drugs, the heavy-hitters (called FSH, or follicle stimulating hormones, meant to supplement a woman's naturally occurring follicle stimulating hormones) on Friday, which was this past Friday. The nurse needed to show me how to give myself the various injectables, and she comes in the room with a very large California Pizza Bag. I thought it was a little strange, but very nice of her to bring me lunch. But it turns out, the bag was full of drugs and drug paraphernalia. 

One thing: I opted to take part in a drug trial so I didn't have to pay for the drugs, which can normally be anywhere from 2000-4000 bucks. Check to see if your clinic has that option. I'm not using experimental drugs or anything! They have already been on the market for a while.

So, I am taking Gonal-f (which comes in a handy pen form. Not environmentally friendly, but very easy to use)  Luveris and Lupron. One injection of Gonal-f in the AM and the other two before I crash at night. And I do mean crash because the Luveris makes me very tired. Like dead tired. Like someone hit me with a baseball bat and tossed me out of a moving car tired. I have not looked online to see what their side effects are this time (you know you've done that!) so I could see for myself what would happen. 

The Lupron  (which I started taking a little while ago) wiped me out for the first few days. I was sluggish and my legs, in particular, felt very weak. But after four days or so, I felt much better. The stims just make me feel weird. Very headachy. My eyeballs hurt. I seem to be more thirsty and I need a lot more sleep. I have very low energy a lot of the time but for some reason I had a burst of energy yesterday. Today, argh! I woke up today at 11am, only to want to go back to sleep. Ibuprofen helps with the headaches and I'm drinking lots of water, juices and tea. 

No caffeine, no alcohol from the start of the stims. After day 5, which I am on now, no exercise (anything that you do to intentionally increase your heart rate) and no sex (sex? What is this "sex" of which you speak?) until the pregnancy test, which seems so very far away right now.

I started out giving myself the injections but soon after, my husband started doing them and I highly recommend it. I think it's important for your partner to share some of the experience. As much as I wish he and I could exchange bodies for a while, that will never happen. So the next best thing is to have him participate in any way he can. We have our routine down pat by now and it's comforting to have him do it with me. It also helps him to have more empathy for what I'm going through and brings us closer during this awkward time.

Which brings me to...

The First Step

The first step at my clinic, at least for me, was to get on The Pill. Yes, that pill. Sort of puts a new spin on the term "birth control" doesn't it? Something about getting your hormones in check and keeping your body in a state of waiting. Oh, one thing; I am not, never wanted to be and never will be a doctor, so please don't take all of what I say as medical truth. I will try to be as accurate as possible when mentioning medical terminology, etc., but I may screw up. I'll try not to but... I'm just sayin'.

After I was on the pill for about a week, my doctor performed what's called a Hysterosonogram (also called a Sonohysterogram) to check out my uterus. It's kind of a super ultrasound to check for abnormalities inside the uterus that may be interfering with pregnancy. It is performed sometime between the end of your period and before ovulation, when the lining of the uterus is thin. It took about ten minutes, was relatively painless and only a little awkward. By this time, I think we're all pretty used to having our legs in stirrups. Giddy-up! Anyway, it turns out I had a polyp or fibrous mass at the top of my uterus. Lo and behold! I was told this could be our answer. Maybe I can skip in vitro altogether! How exciting. 

Not so fast, sista'.

I had two procedures done at the same time. One, called an Operative Hysteroscopy, to remove the polyp (which is what it turned out to be) and another called a Laparoscopy, to check for things like ovarian cysts and Endometriosis. I figured if he was going in anyway, he may as well check for all he can. (BTW, before Hysterosonograms, they would have to perform a Hysteroscopy, which is more invasive, expensive, etc., just to check. Ah, technology!)

It was an out-patient procedure, but it was the first time in a while that I had been "put under" so I was none too thrilled about it. Although I have to say, whatever anesthesia they used was pretty cool. The last thing I remember was getting wheeled into the operating room, waving the peace sign and yelling, "Peace, Love and Babies!" So, that part was fun. The post surgery recovery? Not-so-much. But I got to hang out and watch movies for two days and eat crap, so I guess it wasn't too terrible.

*I highly recommend getting a Hysterosonogram done before you start any fertilty procedures, especially in vitro.* I wonder why we weren't told to get it before our IUI's? I will ask my doctor.

It turns out the polyp only had a 10-15% chance of being the cause of our infertility so yes, Virginia, there is In Vitro. The good news? It wasn't cancerous. Big, fat, shining silver lining!

A Little Bit of Background in a Nutshell

My hubby and I started TTC soon after we got married. He was 39 and I was 36, so no time like the present! We did the natural thing (remember that?) for about a year. I started tracking my ovulation six months into it and we got very good at the whole timing thing. He even came home from work a couple of times to stick it to me. The romance of the whole thing kind of goes out the window at some point, doesn't it? So, it was about a year after we started trying that we decided to seek help. 

My gynecologist recommended a fertility clinic in Beverly Hills (not the Octo-mom's doctor, and yes I have been asked that) and off we went, after filling out the novel-sized packet of forms. It turns out I was at the exact point in my cycle where we could start the IUI process. I wasn't thinking it would happen so soon, but again, no time like the present, so...wham! I had my first ultrasound. The Hubster and I had already had all of the required tests done with our respective doctors so it just kind of worked out. 

Because this is less a fertilty blog and more about in vitro, I will spare you most of the details. But suffice it to say after an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) to check my tubes (they were fine), we did SIX cycles of IUI, ten inseminations in all. That's a lot of trips to the clinic and a lot of emotional upset each month. We started in June, 2008, skipped two months and did our last IUI this past January. My favorite month was December, when I got my period early...on Christmas morning. Bah-humbug. I didn't need a Grinch to steal my Christmas.

I took Clomid for the first two cycles and all it did was make me "moody" (which is a nice way of saying The Girl from The Exorcist) and fat. Yes, I gained something like 10-15 pounds which I have been unable to lose. Happy happy joy joy.

So, we began the in vitro process...

The Beginning

I bought a real journal the other day.  You know, that thing with actual pages and stuff? That you use a pen or pencil to write in? Yeah, one of those.  This is a fancy-dancy one with moleskin (not real moles, silly!) pages, called the "legendary notebook of Hemingway, Picasso and Chatwin." I'm sure I should know who Chatwin is, but I don't. Anyway, here it still sits, snug in it's plastic wrap, mocking me daily with its still empty pages and uncracked spine. Oh, hell. 

And then I thought I would do something that has never been done before. I'd write a blog! Here I can not only get out what I need to (so it doesn't start building up inside like a hair filled drain) but I can also someday say to some woman at a BBQ or in line at the grocery store, or wherever, "You're about to do in vitro? Hey, I did that! Why don't you check out my blog so you can see what it was like for me!" And then (fingers crossed) I'll pat the top of my son/daughter's head and say, "And it worked, to boot!" I don't think I'd actually say "to boot," but you get the picture. Or, even better, some one out there in cyberspace will be about to start her first (and hopefully last) in vitro process and she, like me, will not know anyone personally who has done it before and she, like me, will have lots and lots of well-meaning but Baby-fied, Fertile Myrtle friends who could never really understand what she is going through. And she, like me, will most likely be, well, terrified/excited/terrified/freaked-out/giddy/terrified. 

And, let's face it, it's just easier to type. I can balance my laptop on my legs in bed and not disturb a sleeping cat or two. So, dear moleskin, you will have to wait. Hemingway never had it so good.

So here it is. The good, the bad, the ugly and all that's in between on my journey through In Vitro...