Last Wednesday and the Drugs

Hey, that sounds like a cool name for a band! Dude, I'm gonna see Last Wednesday and the Drugs at the Roxy on Saturday, wanna come? 

But I digress. Must be the drugs.

I was put on Lupron three weeks ago, after learning that my body was not cooperating with The Pill, as in I was still producing too much estrogen. I joked to the doctor and ultrasound tech that I must be too much woman, which earned me a couple of polite giggles. I tried. So I had my first needle pricking experience back then. 

Yes, it IS scary, but I found that it is not nearly as bad as I thought it would be, even though sticking a needle in your stomach seems so counterintuitive to...well...everything. But somehow, you do get your brain to transmit the message to your hand to PUT A NEEDLE IN YOUR STOMACH even when the rest of you is screaming, "Holy Sh*t!!" The first time is the worst and then you become a pro, so much that some people put it on YouTube. Or they blog about it. Weirdos. ;)

So last Wednesday, I went to the clinic for another ultrasound and more blood work to see if the Lupron was doing it's job. I was crossing my fingers because if it wasn't, it would mean another week or so of more Lupron and waiting.  

I have found that it is so hard to put my life on hold.  I feel like I did it already with the IUI's. But then again, the whole process of trying to get pregnant and not succeeding feels like that, doesn't it? Like I'm always holding my breath, just waiting to exhale. As if going forward with your life means leaving this behind. But we must function in our life, we must continue to work, to carry on relationships, to empty the cat box and walk the dog, to put gas in the car and buy groceries. But I never really feel like I'm truly living in the moment and am instead waiting...for the next pregnancy test, ultrasound, procedure, round of drugs, call from the doctor. You name it and I'm probably waiting for it. This is where some of that well-meaning advice comes in. "If you put all your energy into this, it won't happen. A watched pot never boils!" Or "I just didn't think about it and it happened!" As if they were doing something right and I am doing it all wrong. As if.

It turns out I could start with the IVF drugs, the heavy-hitters (called FSH, or follicle stimulating hormones, meant to supplement a woman's naturally occurring follicle stimulating hormones) on Friday, which was this past Friday. The nurse needed to show me how to give myself the various injectables, and she comes in the room with a very large California Pizza Bag. I thought it was a little strange, but very nice of her to bring me lunch. But it turns out, the bag was full of drugs and drug paraphernalia. 

One thing: I opted to take part in a drug trial so I didn't have to pay for the drugs, which can normally be anywhere from 2000-4000 bucks. Check to see if your clinic has that option. I'm not using experimental drugs or anything! They have already been on the market for a while.

So, I am taking Gonal-f (which comes in a handy pen form. Not environmentally friendly, but very easy to use)  Luveris and Lupron. One injection of Gonal-f in the AM and the other two before I crash at night. And I do mean crash because the Luveris makes me very tired. Like dead tired. Like someone hit me with a baseball bat and tossed me out of a moving car tired. I have not looked online to see what their side effects are this time (you know you've done that!) so I could see for myself what would happen. 

The Lupron  (which I started taking a little while ago) wiped me out for the first few days. I was sluggish and my legs, in particular, felt very weak. But after four days or so, I felt much better. The stims just make me feel weird. Very headachy. My eyeballs hurt. I seem to be more thirsty and I need a lot more sleep. I have very low energy a lot of the time but for some reason I had a burst of energy yesterday. Today, argh! I woke up today at 11am, only to want to go back to sleep. Ibuprofen helps with the headaches and I'm drinking lots of water, juices and tea. 

No caffeine, no alcohol from the start of the stims. After day 5, which I am on now, no exercise (anything that you do to intentionally increase your heart rate) and no sex (sex? What is this "sex" of which you speak?) until the pregnancy test, which seems so very far away right now.

I started out giving myself the injections but soon after, my husband started doing them and I highly recommend it. I think it's important for your partner to share some of the experience. As much as I wish he and I could exchange bodies for a while, that will never happen. So the next best thing is to have him participate in any way he can. We have our routine down pat by now and it's comforting to have him do it with me. It also helps him to have more empathy for what I'm going through and brings us closer during this awkward time.

Which brings me to...